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Funny Husband Wife Quotes

Funny Husband Wife Quotes

Funny Husband Wife Quotes

Good day, guys! I make every effort to offer high-quality content that is relevant to the interests of Ultra Updates readers. Funny quotations and sayings concerning the husband and wife relationship are included in today’s post.

It is stated that after marriage, life becomes more difficult. But that isn’t the case. After marriage, the husband or wife is finally with the person who loves with a pure heart and enjoys themselves:P.

When I was getting married, I was mentally influenced by so many rumours about this wonderful relationship, such as how much sacrifice it entails, and so on. However, in order to build a better and healthier relationship, a couple must consistently enhance their relationship with their partner. When I got married, I understood that having a hilarious companion as a life partner makes life easier to live and makes you more grateful and less complaining.

unny Husband Quotes

  • “In our marriage everything is 50/50. I cook, he eats. I wash, he wears. I shop, he pays!”
  • “Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is.”
  • “My husband and I married for better or worse!! He couldn’t have done better and I couldn’t have done worse!”
  • “Marriage is just fancy a word to adopt an over grown male child who is no longer handled by his parents.”
  • “A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.”
  • “Marriage is a workshop – where the husband works & the wife shops.”
  • “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.”
  • “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”
  • “Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!”
  • “My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.”
  • “My husband says I feed him like he’s a god: every meal is a burnt offering.”
  • “A man who is right by your side through everything makes you happy. But he can leave your side to make dinner once in a while!”
  • “My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.”
  • “They say love is blind.. and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.”
  • “A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
  • “A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted”
  • “Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give.”
  • “When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.”
  • “A husband’s last words should always be, OK buy it.”
  • “Husband: I am a grown man, stop mothering me. Also husband: Have you seen my keys? Have you seen my wallet? Where did we park? I don’t have clean underwear”
  • “In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker” – Woody Allen
  • “One day my wife’s credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!”
  • “I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry”
  • “My darling, this scenery makes me speechless. Husband: Perfect, we’re setting up tent here.”
  • “Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house”
  • “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!”
  • “My husband wears the pants in my house.. The ones I pick”
  • “There are two sides in a marriage, one who is always right and the other is called.. the husband”
  • “One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip”
  • “A husband is someone who after taking the trash out gives the impression he’s cleaned the whole house!”

Funny Ex Quotes

  • “Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate”
  • “My ex updated his status to ‘Standing on the edge of a cliff’ – so I poked him!”
  • “I used to think my ex took my breath away.. then I realised I was just being suffocated by his bulls**t”
  • “I told my ex I felt like killing him and he said I needed professional help. So I hired a hitman”
  • “Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives and makes us want to leave footprints on their face”
  • “Ran into my ex… so I put it in reverse and hit him again”
  • “I used to be married but I’m better now”
  • “My ex husband is like bad diarrhoea. When I finally think he’s done with crazy stupid crap and relax a bit… there it goes again!”
  • “Oh so your dating my ex? Cool, I’m eating a sandwich.. want those leftovers too?”
  • “I still miss my ex husband.. but my aim is improving”

What’s your Favourite Funny Husband Quotes

Husbands get a lot of fun poked at them but at the end of the day we really love them. They’re our partners, there for us when we need them and generally great guys. Just don’t tell them! Hopefully these quotes will have shown the lighter, funnier side of marriage and living with your husband. Do you have a favourite from our funny husband quotes? Maybe one that you can most relate to or that even your own husband likes. Or one we’ve missed

Funny Wife Quotes

  • “A good husband makes a good wife.”

  • “Well behaved wife rarely make history.”

  • “My husband’s wife is freaking awesome.”“A woman’s apology: I’m sorry but it was your fault.” Funny Husband Wife Quotes

“I and my wife are happy. At least when we are not together.”


  • “Me and my wife lived happily for twenty years…. then we met.” Funny Wife Memes Quotes


  • Your wife won’t start an argument with you, If you’re cleaning.”

  • “We always hold hands, If I let go, she shops.” – Henry Youngman

  • “Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.”

  • “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…she hugged me.” Funny Wife Quotes

  • “My husband thinks I’m crazy. But I’m not the one who married me.”

  • “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”- Henny Youngman

  • “Wife: I have changed my mind…Husband: Does the new one work???”

  • “Marriage is a workshop, where the husband works and the wife shops.” Husband Wife Funny Quotes

  • Wife is scientifically proven to be RIGHT even when they are WRONG.”

  • “Nothing makes a wife more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful.”

  • “My wife’s cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.” – Rodney Dangerfield

  • “After marriage, the other man’s wife looks more beautiful.” – Navjot Sidhu

  • “If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.”- Sam Levenson

  • “Wife is cute when she is mute and husband is honey when he gives money.” Funny Wife Quotes Images

  • “In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.” – Woody Allen

  • “Tell her she’s beautiful instead of HOT she’s your wife not TEMPERATURE.”

  • “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”

  • “She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.” – Tommy Manville

  • “I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.”

  • “My wife and I always compromise. I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me. :)” Funny Quotes About Wife

  • “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

  • “The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.”

  • “Below is a list of ways to win an argument with your wife…………………….empty not found.”

  • “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield

  • “The husband is the HEAD of the family and wife is the NECK that turns the head around!!” Funny Wife Sayings

  • “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”

  • “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.”

  • “When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” – Sacha Guitry

  • “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.”- Sigmund Freud

  • “One day my wife’s credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!” Funny Quotes On Wife

  • “My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.” – Rodney Dangerfield

  • “The only animal that a lion is afraid of is his lady lioness. So if you are afraid of your lady, that means you’re a lion.”

  • “When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.”

  • “I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.” Funny Husband Wife Jokes

  • “A married man’s honest confession: “I always read my wife’s horoscope to see what kind of day I am going to have…”

  • “My wife told me the other day that I don’t take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.”

  • “I look at the moon and it looks really beautiful!.. Then I look at you… and.. I think I’ll look at the moon again?!”

  • “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.”- Socrates

  • “I am a proud wife of an imperfect perfect husband. He is the only one in this world who can tolerate my madness.” Funny Crazy Wife Quotes

  • “My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” – Rodney Dangerfield

  • “It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” – Rodney Dangerfield

  • “My wife says I know just how to push all of her buttons. Unfortunately I stll haven’t been able to find the ‘mute’ button.”

  • “When my wife and I fight, I tighten the top of every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say “oh yeah, you need me now huh?”

  • “Never criticize your husband’s faults. It may have been those little imperfections which stopped him from getting a better wife.”

  • “Wives are so smart…they will lay on your chest and be like, “Babe have you ever cheated on me?” and wait for your heart to beat fast.” Funny Wife Quotes Humor

  • “My wife loves me so much, she tries her best to attract me to her. The other day she put on a perfume that smells like a computer.”

  • “I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry.”

  • “Guys I need your help. I’m in the middle of an argument with my wife and she just told me that I’m right. What the hell do I do next?!”

  • “If a woman says “Do what you want”. Do not do what you want. Stand still, don’t blink, don’t answer, don’t even Breathe. Just play dead.” Funny Husband Wife Marriage Quotes

  • “My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.” – Rodney Dangerfield

  • “My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm last night. Not concentrating, I leaned over and passed her the super glue instead. She’s still not speaking to me.”

  • “My wife never gives up. She is so insistent that she entered the wrong password over and over again until she managed to convince the computer that she’s right!”

  • “Newspaper Ad. For sale: Encyclopedia Britannica, complete set of 45 volumes. No longer needed due to getting married. My wife knows everything. $200 Or best offer.”

Quotes From Famous Figures

    • “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’” —Michelle Obama
    • “Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.” —Stephanie Ortiz
    • “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
    • “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner
    1. “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!” —Bill Maher
    2. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” —Benjamin Franklin
    3. “I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
    4. “Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.” —Chip Gaines
    5. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
    6. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
    1. “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” —Dax Shepard
    2. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” —Megan Mullally
    3. “People say, ‘Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.’ I think it’s hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.” —Tom Hanks
    4. “Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep.” —Chris Hemsworth
    • “I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” —Cameron Esposito
    • “I don’t want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead meat.” ―Mindy Kaling
    • “You go, ‘You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me feel loved, you make me food.'” —Nikki Glaser recalling Amy Schumer’s wedding vows
  • “I’m just a diaper-changing facility hooked up to a life-support system, but my wife, she’s breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She’s a human Denny’s all day long … and it never ends for her. She’s the most beautiful Denny’s you’ve ever seen though, I guarantee it.” —Ryan Reynolds
  • “Because I always say, if you’re married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you’re doing really good!” —Michelle Obama
  • “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.” —Socrates
  • “We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working.” —Justin Timberlake
  • “I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…” —Kristen Bell
  • “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.” —George Bernard Shaw
  • “Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” — Jerry Seinfeld
  • “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” —Mickey Rooney
  • “After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.” —Barack Obama
  • “Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three meals a day and remembering to carry the trash out.” —Joyce Brothers
  • “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
  • “My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and without a doubt, the hardest times we’ve faced were those times when we hated each other.” —Andy Richter
  • “My wife didn’t take my name, which isn’t weird, but what’s weird is when people think it’s weird, like we’re on a first-name basis anyway.” —Mark Agee
  • “We just like each other. You start there. … I still can’t believe my wife goes out with me. If we were in high school and I was just funny, I’d never have the courage to talk to her.” —Tom Hanks
  • “Love, gratitude, compassion, because sometimes every man or every woman will drive their partner crazy.” —Goldie Hawn
  • “Marriage is like a graph—it has its ups and downs, and as long as things bounce back up again, you’ve got a good marriage. If it heads straight down, then you’ve got some problems!” —Dame Julie Andrews
  • “A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.” —Frank Sinatra
  • “Our marriage was the most difficult, grueling, excruciating thing that we have ever taken on in our lives. And you know, we’re just not quitters.” —Will Smith
  • “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” —Chris Rock
  • “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.” —Winston Churchill
  • “Michelle’s like Beyoncé in that song, ‘Let me upgrade ya!’ She upgraded me.” —Barack Obama
  • “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
  • “Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.” —Chris Rock
  • “We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
  • “Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called 50 Shades of Just O.K.” —Conan O’Brien
  • “F*ck it…that’s really the attitude that keeps a family together. It’s not ‘We love each other.’ It’s just ‘f*ck it, man.'” —Louis C.K.

Movie and TV Quotes

  1. “Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.” —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
  2. “Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond.’ Only it doesn’t last 22. It lasts forever.” —Pete in Knocked Up
  3. “Did you know that the institution of marriage was created when the average person lived to the age of 30?” — Kim in The Last Kiss
  4. “Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass.” —Mac MacGuff in Juno

“Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she’s there. You come back from work, she’s there. You fall asleep, she’s there. You eat dinner, she’s there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not.” —Ray on Everybody Loves Raymond

“The first draft of my vows, which I wrote the day after we got engaged, clocked in at around 70 pages.” – Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation

“She’s your lobster. Come on, you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.” —Phoebe Buffay in Friends

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!   Husband is the HEAD of the family and wife is the NECK that turns the head around!!   My husband has made me laugh. Wiped my tears. Hugged me tight. Watched me succeed. Seen me fail. Cheered me on. Kept me going strong. My husband is a promise from God that I will have a friend forever. Let husband and wife never speak to one another in loud tones,unless the house is on fire. – David O. McKay A husband is someone who after taking the trash out gives the impression he’s cleaned the whole house! Never above you. Never below you.

Always beside you. – Walter Winchell You see me at my absolute worst, and you love me anyways. Thank you.   A jealous husband does not doubt his wife, but himself.   My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. – Winston Churchill   You are more precious than diamonds to me. You have not just a husband but a companion and the best person that I have found in this world. I love you beyond what words can express. – Jake Distill Husbands are like fine wine.

They take time to mature. – Letters to Juliet, the movie. My husband is one of my greatest blessings from God. His love is a gift that I open every day.   I love being my husband’s wife. – Julianna Margulies My husband wears the pants in my house… The ones I pick. My life really began when I married my husband. – Nancy Reagan

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