Funny quotes lovers, we categorized other lists of funniest quotes by well-known celebrities that can make your day!

So here you can read hilarious sayings either in random picks or categorized by famous celebrities.

• The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

  ― George Carlin

Funny quotes – Random picks

To start with, we have now quick humorous quotes about life and sayings, as a result of quick humorous quotes about life and hilarious sayings are those that may simply be informed and shared with associates anyplace.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

– John F. Kennedy –

 

All men are equal before fish.

– Herbert Hoover –

 

Cool funny quotes by the comedian Ellen DeGeneres

Ellen Lee DeGeneres is a versatile, lady. She is an American comedian, writer, television host, actress, and producer.

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

― Ellen DeGeneres

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.

― Ellen DeGeneres

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

― Ellen DeGeneres

You know, it’s hard work to write a book. I can’t tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.

― Ellen DeGeneres

If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn’t done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit’s eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson’s eyes and ask him if it hurts.

― Ellen DeGeneres

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

― Ellen DeGeneres

Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you’ve never sung before, and you realize you’ve never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, ‘Life in the Fast Lane?’ That’s what they’re saying right there? You think, ‘why have I been singing ‘wipe in the vaseline?’ how many people have heard me sing ‘wipe in the vaseline?’ I am an idiot.

― Ellen DeGeneres

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

― Ellen DeGeneres

I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.

― Ellen DeGeneres

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.

― Ellen DeGeneres

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

― Ellen DeGeneres

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.

― Ellen DeGeneres

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

― Ellen DeGeneres

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

― Ellen DeGeneres

I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.

― Ellen DeGeneres

I’m so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James!

― Ellen DeGeneres

I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.

― Ellen DeGeneres

I wonder what will happen if I put hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

― Ellen DeGeneres

Take a nap in a fireplace and you’ll sleep like a log.

― Ellen DeGeneres

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn’t enough. You also have to move the chair.

― Ellen DeGeneres

One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

― Ellen DeGeneres

When life gives you lemons….they could really be oranges.

― Ellen DeGeneres

Now,I’m no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They’re tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they’re saying and that boosts your health and happiness. “Knock Knock… Who’s There?.. Little endorphin… Little endorphin who?… Little Endorphin Annie.” And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.

― Ellen DeGeneres

Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:
Yes.
Yes.
No.
One time in high school.
Three times in my twenties.
Rocks no salt.
Yes.
Four.
Never. And how dare you!
I will take no further questions.

― Ellen DeGeneres

Haiku sounds like I’m
Saying hi to someone named
Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.

― Ellen DeGeneres

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

― Golda Meir

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!

― Golda Meir

My dear, old age is like an airplane flying in a storm. Once you’re in it there’s nothing you can do. You can’t stop a plane, you can’t stop a storm, you can’t stop time. So you might as well take it easy, with wisdom.

― Golda Meir

A story once went the rounds of Israel to the effect that Ben-Gurion described me as ‘the only man’ in his cabinet. What amused me about is that he (or whoever invented the story) thought that this was the greatest compliment that could be paid to a woman. I very much doubt that any man would have been flattered if I had said about him that he was the only woman in the government!

― Golda Meir

Fashion is an imposition, a rein on freedom.
― Golda Meir

I don’t know why you use a fancy French word like détente when there’s a good English phrase for it — cold war.

― Golda Meir

You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!

― Lauren Myracle

They’re not chicks. They’re ducks.

― Lauren Myracle

I didn’t like being alone. Being alone was slightly better than having to deal with people, that’s all. Or so I’d convinced myself.

― Lauren Myracle

Calvin: Life’s a lot more fun when you aren’t responsible for your actions.

― Bill Watterson

I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.

― Bill Watterson

They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time, but since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place and just hang around.

― Bill Waterson

I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.

― Erma Bombeck

Housework can kill you if done right.

― Erma Bombeck

Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.

― Erma Bombeck

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

― Erma Bombeck

Short funny quotes about life

• Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. – John F. Kennedy
• The road to success is always under construction. – – Lily Tomlin
• All men are equal before fish. –  Herbert Hoover
• Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx
• I’m in shape. Round is a shape. – George Carlin
• If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done? – George Carlin
• Never have more children than you have car windows. – Erma Bombeck
• If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already? – Cynthia Heimel
• He who laughs last didn’t get the joke. – Charles de Gaulle
• My favourite machine at the gym is the vending machine. – Caroline Rhea
• If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? – Jerry Seinfeld
• If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
• Never miss a good chance to shut up. – Will Rogers
• I don’t hate you. I just don’t like that you exist – Gena Showalter
• Don’t gobble funk around with words. – Roald Dahl
• A penny saved is a penny earned. – Benjamin Franklin
• The funniest people are the saddest ones. – Confucius
• Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? – John Barrymore

Hilarious Sayings and phrases by famous personalities

• The following are amazing funniest quotes by famous authors.
• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. – Mark Twain
• I came from a real tough neighbourhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield
• That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. – George Carlin
• A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice. – Bill Cosby
• Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours. – Yogi Berra
• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain
• She’s strong! And scary…I bet she’s single…I’d put money on it. – Masashi Kishimoto
• Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. – James Thurber
• Puns are the highest form of literature. – Alfred Hitchcock
• I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort. – J. Paul Getty
• Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. – Isaac Asimov
• Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed! – Hergé
• The funniest people are the saddest ones. – Confucius
• Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serving you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland
• The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. – Harlan Ellison
• If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. – Billy Wilder

100+ short funny sayings

• The planet is fine. The people are fucked.  ― George Carlin
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.― Phyllis Diller
• Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. ― Ellen DeGeneres
• Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. ― Golda Meir
• I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here. ― Lauren Myracle
• A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement. ― Jess C Scott
• I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they? ― Jess C. Scott
• When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back. ― Bill Watterson
• Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ― Groucho Marx
• I’ve had great success being a total idiot. ― Jerry Lewis
• Rejection is an opportunity for your selection. ― Bernard Branson
• Instead of committing suicide, people go to work. ― Thomas Bernhard
• She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up. ― Richelle Mead
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Top 17 Groucho Marx funny quotes

• A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. ― Groucho Marx
• Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. ― Groucho Marx
• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.― Groucho Marx
• From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. ― Groucho Marx
• When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. ― Groucho Marx
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself. ― Groucho Marx
• I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. ― Groucho Marx
• Humour is reason gone mad. ― Groucho Marx
• I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. ― Groucho Marx
• Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well, I have others. ― Groucho Marx
• I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal. ― Groucho Marx
• If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong. ― Groucho Marx
• If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere. –  Groucho Marx
• I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that. ― Groucho Marx
• Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ― Groucho Marx
• I intend to live forever or die trying. ― Groucho Marx
• Whatever it is, I’m against it. ― Groucho Marx

Meaningful Funny Quotes By Bret Easton Ellis

• I have to return some videotapes. ― Bret Easton Ellis
• I only had sex with her because I’m in love with you. ― Bret Easton Ellis
• We buy balloons, we let them go. ― Bret Easton Ellis
• Greed is good. Sex is easy. Youth is forever. ― Bret Easton Ellis
• …if you’re alone nothing bad can happen to you. ― Bret Easton Ellis
• Scientists peered into data and concluded that we should all be worried. ― Bret Easton Ellis
• There is no time for the innocent. ― Bret Easton Ellis
• You can’t get dyslexia from pussy. ― Bret Easton Ellis
• I don’t know why I write what I write. ― Bret Easton Ellis

10 Most hilarious sayings and quotes by Abraham Lincoln

• When you want to get relaxed, you can’t forget the hilarious sayings of Abraham Lincoln. The following are the best short funny quotes about life by Abraham Lincoln.
• Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. – Abraham Lincoln
• If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? – Abraham Lincoln
• The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. – Abraham Lincoln
• Avoid popularity if you would have peace. – Abraham Lincoln
• Tact: the ability to describe others as they see themselves. – Abraham Lincoln
• It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river. – Abraham Lincoln
• If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. – Abraham Lincoln
• We trust, sir, that God is on our side. It is more important to know that we are on God’s side. – Abraham Lincoln
• You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was. – Abraham Lincoln
• Avoid popularity if you would have peace. – Abraham Lincoln

13 funny sayings and quotations by Albert Einstien

• Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.– Albert Einstein
• The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.– Albert Einstein
• Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.― Albert Einstein
• There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.― Albert Einstein
• Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.― Albert Einstein
• Creativity is intelligence having fun.― Albert Einstein
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.― Albert Einstein
• Everything must be made as simple as possible. But not simpler.― Albert Einstein
• Dr Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different. ― Albert Einstein
• It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.― Albert Einstein
• An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.― Albert Einstein
• When we first got married, we made a pact. It was this: In our life together, it was decided I would make all of the big decisions and my wife would make all of the little decisions. For fifty years, we have held true to that agreement. I believe that is the reason for the success of our marriage. However, the strange thing is that in fifty years, there hasn’t been one big decision.― Albert Einstein
• I think 99 times and find nothing. I stop thinking, swim in silence, and the truth comes to me. ― Albert Einstein

Top 13 inspirational funny quotes by Benjamin Franklin

• Although, the following quotes by Benjamin Franklin have some deep emotions luckily these can make you laugh. Especially you might like the short funny quotes about friends and wife.
• Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.– Benjamin Franklin
• Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin
• In wine there is wisdom, in beer, there is Freedom, in the water there are bacteria. ― Benjamin Franklin
• I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. ― Benjamin Franklin
• He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.― Benjamin Franklin
• In the Affairs of this World Men are saved, not by faith, but by the Lack of it.― Ben Franklin
• Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on outward circumstances. ― Benjamin Franklin
• If Jack’s in love, he’s no judge of Jill’s beauty. ― Benjamin Franklin
• Life biggest tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late. ― Benjamin Franklin
• To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends. ― Benjamin Franklin
• The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.― Benjamin Franklin
• Eat to live, don’t live to eat. ― Benjamin Franklin
• There are three faithful friends – an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. ― Benjamin Franklin

Top 7 funniest quotes on life by Douglas Adams

• If you’re curious to inspire yourself with short funny quotes about life. Then no doubt, the following funny quotations by Douglas Adams are far better than you can expect.
• Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. – Douglas Adams
• I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.– Douglas Adams
• There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. – Douglas Adams
• I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. ― Douglas Adams
• The story so far: In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. ― Douglas Adams
• There is another theory which states that this has already happened. ― Douglas Adams
• Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now? ― Douglas Adams

Top 14 funny jokes by Emo Philips

• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. – Emo Philips
• How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand. – Emo Philips
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.– Emo Philips
• I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, ‘Here, lady… take your purse.’    – Emo Philips
• The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks. – Emo Philips
• At my lemonade stand, I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. – Emo Philips
• Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. – Emo Philips
• My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics’ heads, where they are safe. – Emo Philips
• Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’ – Emo Philips.
• Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’ – Emo Philips
• Do you know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back. – Emo Philips
• I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’ – Emo Philips
• England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual’. – Emo Philips
• In our school, you were searched for guns and knives on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some. – Emo Philips

Funny laughable quotes by Erma Bombeck:

• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck
• Never have more children than you have car windows. – Erma Bombeck
• When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. ― Erma Bombeck
• There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor, and hurt. ― Erma Bombeck
• I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food. ― Erma Bombeck
• Housework can kill you if done right. ― Erma Bombeck
• Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy. ― Erma Bombeck
• When humor goes, there goes civilization.― Erma Bombeck
• Written on her tombstone: “I told you I was sick. ― Erma Bombeck
• Humour is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, it’s unplanned, it’s full of surprises. ― Erma Bombeck
• Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter-productivity. ― Erma Bombeck
• When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home. ― Erma Bombeck

Top 11 Funny motivational quotes by George Bernard Shaw

• George Bernard Shaw has really some different opinions about patriotism and learning. You can learn and be pleased.
• Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. – George Bernard Shaw
• We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. – George Bernard Shaw
• A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself and hates them for it. ― George Bernard Shaw
• Animals are my friends…and I don’t eat my friends. ― George Bernard Shaw
• If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.― George Bernard Shaw
• My way of joking is, to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world. ― George Bernard Shaw
• The play was a great success, but the audience was a dismal failure. ― George Bernard Shaw
• I’m an atheist and I thank God for it. ― George Bernard Shaw
• When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth. ― George Bernard Shaw
• A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity. ― George Bernard Shaw
• He who can do. He who cannot, teaches. ― George Bernard Shaw

 Short funny quotes about life by George Burns

• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns
• If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age. – George Burns
• You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. – George Burns
• I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age, I have to hold on to something. – George Burns
• I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. – George Burns
• Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. – George Burns
• Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. – George Burns
• By the time you’re eighty years old, you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it. – George Burns

If you like you can read the following

Top 100 Plus Famous Movie Quotes