Funny Quotes By Famous Authors

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Funny Quotes | Funniest Sayings By Famous Authors

Funny quotes lovers, we categorized other lists of funniest quotes by well-known celebrities that can make your day!

So here you can read hilarious sayings either in random picks or categorized by famous celebrities.

 

  • The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

    ― George Carlin

 

Funny quotes – Random picks

To start with, we have now quick humorous quotes about life and sayings, as a result of quick humorous quotes about life and hilarious sayings are those that may simply be informed and shared with associates anyplace.

Funny-saying-by-John-F.-Kennedy Funny Quotes By Famous Authors

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

– John F. Kennedy –

 

Lily Tomlin funny sayings

The road to success is always under construction.

– Lily Tomlin –

 

Herbert Hoover funny sayings

All men are equal before fish.

– Herbert Hoover –

 

Groucho Marx funny sayings

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
– Groucho Marx –

 

Funny-saying-by-George Carlin

 

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

– George Carlin –

Cool funny quotes by the comedian Ellen DeGeneres

Ellen Lee DeGeneres is a versatile, lady. She is an American comedian, writer, television host, actress, and producer.

 

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

You know, it’s hard work to write a book. I can’t tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn’t done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit’s eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson’s eyes and ask him if it hurts.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you’ve never sung before, and you realize you’ve never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, ‘Life in the Fast Lane?’ That’s what they’re saying right there? You think, ‘why have I been singing ‘wipe in the vaseline?’ how many people have heard me sing ‘wipe in the vaseline?’ I am an idiot.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

I’m so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James!

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

I wonder what will happen if I put hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

Take a nap in a fireplace and you’ll sleep like a log.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn’t enough. You also have to move the chair.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

When life gives you lemons….they could really be oranges.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

Now,I’m no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They’re tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they’re saying and that boosts your health and happiness. “Knock Knock… Who’s There?.. Little endorphin… Little endorphin who?… Little Endorphin Annie.” And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:
Yes.
Yes.
No.
One time in high school.
Three times in my twenties.
Rocks no salt.
Yes.
Four.
Never. And how dare you!
I will take no further questions.

― Ellen DeGeneres

 

Haiku sounds like I’m
Saying hi to someone named
Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.

― Ellen DeGeneres

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

― Golda Meir

 

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!

― Golda Meir

 

My dear, old age is like an airplane flying in a storm. Once you’re in it there’s nothing you can do. You can’t stop a plane, you can’t stop a storm, you can’t stop time. So you might as well take it easy, with wisdom.

― Golda Meir

 

A story once went the rounds of Israel to the effect that Ben-Gurion described me as ‘the only man’ in his cabinet. What amused me about is that he (or whoever invented the story) thought that this was the greatest compliment that could be paid to a woman. I very much doubt that any man would have been flattered if I had said about him that he was the only woman in the government!

― Golda Meir

 

Fashion is an imposition, a rein on freedom.
― Golda Meir

 

I don’t know why you use a fancy French word like détente when there’s a good English phrase for it — cold war.

― Golda Meir

You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!

― Lauren Myracle

 

They’re not chicks. They’re ducks.

― Lauren Myracle

 

I didn’t like being alone. Being alone was slightly better than having to deal with people, that’s all. Or so I’d convinced myself.

― Lauren Myracle

Calvin: Life’s a lot more fun when you aren’t responsible for your actions.

― Bill Watterson

 

I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.

― Bill Watterson

 

They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time, but since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place and just hang around.

― Bill Waterson

 

I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.

― Erma Bombeck

 

Housework can kill you if done right.

― Erma Bombeck

 

Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.

― Erma Bombeck

 

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

― Erma Bombeck

 Funny motivational quotes by George Bernard Shaw

It’s a fact that funny motivational quotations make us strong to keep us running on the track of life. And sometimes we need some inspiration from the best quotations to change our life totally.

But here in following the short funny phrases and hilarious quotes about life, you will not only be amused but you will also get some inspiration for your journey.

George Bernard Shaw has really some different opinions about patriotism and learning. You can learn and be pleased.

 

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

– George Bernard Shaw

 

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

– George Bernard Shaw

 

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

― George Bernard Shaw

 

Animals are my friends…and I don’t eat my friends.

― George Bernard Shaw

 

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

― George Bernard Shaw

 

My way of joking is, to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.

― George Bernard Shaw

 

The play was a great success, but the audience was a dismal failure.

― George Bernard Shaw

 

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

― George Bernard Shaw

 

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

― George Bernard Shaw

 

A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.

― George Bernard Shaw

 

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.

― George Bernard Shaw

 Short funny quotes about life by George Burns

If you’re looking for some very interesting short funny quotes on love and relationships. Then the following short funny quotes by George Burns are the most suitable ones.

 

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

– George Burns

 

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

– George Burns

 

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

– George Burns

 

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age, I have to hold on to something.

– George Burns

 

I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

– George Burns

 

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

– George Burns

 

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.

– George Burns

 

By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.

– George Burns

 

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