• “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” Joe Girard
• “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” Zig Ziglar3. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” Lily Tomlin
• “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” Oscar Wilde
• “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” Winnie the Pooh
• “Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” Tom Lehrer
• “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” Steven Wright

• “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” Unknown
• “Change is not a four-letter word… but often your reaction to it is!” Jeffrey Gitomer
• “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” Dalai Lama
• “Bad decisions make good stories.” Ellis Vidler
• “I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess.” Cassandra Duffy
• “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” Cathy Guisewite
• “A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” Mark Twain
• “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
• “I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” Benjamin Franklin
• “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” Unknown
• “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” Charles Schulz
• “Think like a proton. Always positive.” Unknown
• “Be happy – it drives people crazy.” Unknown
• “Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s more like a cha-cha.” Robert Brault
• “The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.” Ayn Rand.
• “You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” Robin Williams
• “I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms” Michael Scott
• “If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.” Elvis Presley
• “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” Will Rogers
• “Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want to be done because he wants to do it.” Dwight D. Eisenhower
• “Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.” Jason Love
• “Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.” Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach
• “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” Franklin P. Jones
• “I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” Ron White
• “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” Thomas Eddison
• “A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” Unknown
• “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says “I’m possible!” Audrey Hepburn
• “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get a warm feeling that it brings.” Robert Bloch
• “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” Marilyn Monroe
• “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” Robert Frost
• “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” Terry Pratchett
• “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” Billie Burke
• “When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.” Unknown
• “Trying is the first step toward failure.” Homer Simpson
• “Happiness is just sadness that hasn’t happened yet.” Unknown
• “The best things in life are actually really expensive.” Unknown
• “Every tattoo is temporary because we’re all slowly dying.” Unknown
• “A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.” Justin Sewell
• “Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.” Unknown
• “It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.” Ashleigh Brilliant
• “If the world didn’t suck we’d all fly into space.” Unknown
• “The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.” Unknown
• “Always remember that you are unique – just like everybody else.” Unknown

If you like you can read the following

Funny Quotes | Funniest Sayings By Famous Authors