100 Funny Quotes | Funniest Sayings by Famous Authors

Some lines make you smile the moment you read them, and the best ones stay with you for years. That is the magic of funny sayings about life: a single witty sentence from a famous author can turn a bad day around, lighten a conversation, or give you the perfect caption for a post.

Below you will find 100 funny quotes and hilarious sayings by famous authors, from Groucho Marx and Mark Twain to Albert Einstein and Abraham Lincoln. Each one is short, clean, and ready to share — just tap Copy next to your favourite and send it to someone who needs a laugh.

Short Funny Quotes About Life

• “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – John F. KennedyCopy
• “The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily TomlinCopy
• “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho MarxCopy
• “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George CarlinCopy
• “If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?” – George CarlinCopy
• “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” – Cynthia HeimelCopy
• “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de GaulleCopy
• “My favourite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline RheaCopy
• “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” – Jerry SeinfeldCopy
• “If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence FerlinghettiCopy
• “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will RogersCopy
• “Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?” – John BarrymoreCopy
• “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis DillerCopy
• “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneresCopy
• “Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.” – Golda MeirCopy
• “When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.” – Bill WattersonCopy

Hilarious Sayings by Famous Personalities

• “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark TwainCopy
• “I came from a real tough neighbourhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” – Rodney DangerfieldCopy
• “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George CarlinCopy
• “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.” – Yogi BerraCopy
• “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark TwainCopy
• “Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.” – James ThurberCopy
• “Puns are the highest form of literature.” – Alfred HitchcockCopy
• “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” – Isaac AsimovCopy
• “Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed!” – HergéCopy
• “Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” – Helen RowlandCopy
• “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan EllisonCopy
• “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy WilderCopy

Funny Groucho Marx Quotes

• “A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” – Groucho MarxCopy
• “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho MarxCopy
• “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” – Groucho MarxCopy
• “From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” – Groucho MarxCopy
• “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.” – Groucho MarxCopy
• “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.” – Groucho MarxCopy
• “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho MarxCopy
• “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho MarxCopy
• “Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.” – Groucho MarxCopy
• “Whatever it is, I’m against it.” – Groucho MarxCopy

Funny Abraham Lincoln Quotes

• “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham LincolnCopy
• “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham LincolnCopy
• “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham LincolnCopy
• “Avoid popularity if you would have peace.” – Abraham LincolnCopy
• “Tact: the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” – Abraham LincolnCopy
• “It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.” – Abraham LincolnCopy
• “If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” – Abraham LincolnCopy
• “We trust, sir, that God is on our side. It is more important to know that we are on God’s side.” – Abraham LincolnCopy
• “You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was.” – Abraham LincolnCopy

Funny Albert Einstein Quotes

• “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert EinsteinCopy
• “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert EinsteinCopy
• “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” – Albert EinsteinCopy
• “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert EinsteinCopy
• “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” – Albert EinsteinCopy
• “Creativity is intelligence having fun.” – Albert EinsteinCopy
• “It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.” – Albert EinsteinCopy
• “An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.” – Albert EinsteinCopy
• “When we first got married, we made a pact. It was this: in our life together, it was decided I would make all of the big decisions and my wife would make all of the little decisions. For fifty years, we have held true to that agreement. I believe that is the reason for the success of our marriage. However, the strange thing is that in fifty years, there hasn’t been one big decision.” – Albert EinsteinCopy
• “I think 99 times and find nothing. I stop thinking, swim in silence, and the truth comes to me.” – Albert EinsteinCopy

Funny Benjamin Franklin Quotes

• “Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin FranklinCopy
• “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin FranklinCopy
• “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there are bacteria.” – Benjamin FranklinCopy
• “I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin FranklinCopy
• “He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.” – Benjamin FranklinCopy
• “Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on outward circumstances.” – Benjamin FranklinCopy
• “Life’s biggest tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.” – Benjamin FranklinCopy
• “To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.” – Benjamin FranklinCopy
• “Eat to live, don’t live to eat.” – Benjamin FranklinCopy
• “There are three faithful friends – an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” – Benjamin FranklinCopy

Funny Douglas Adams Quotes

• “Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” – Douglas AdamsCopy
• “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” – Douglas AdamsCopy
• “There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas AdamsCopy
• “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” – Douglas AdamsCopy
• “The story so far: In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” – Douglas AdamsCopy
• “Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?” – Douglas AdamsCopy

Funny Emo Philips Quotes

• “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” – Emo PhilipsCopy
• “How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo PhilipsCopy
• “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo PhilipsCopy
• “I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, ‘Here, lady… take your purse.’” – Emo PhilipsCopy
• “The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.” – Emo PhilipsCopy
• “At my lemonade stand, I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.” – Emo PhilipsCopy
• “Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.” – Emo PhilipsCopy
• “Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’” – Emo PhilipsCopy
• “I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’” – Emo PhilipsCopy
• “In our school, you were searched for guns and knives on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.” – Emo PhilipsCopy

Funny Erma Bombeck Quotes

• “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” – Erma BombeckCopy
• “Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma BombeckCopy
• “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” – Erma BombeckCopy
• “There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor, and hurt.” – Erma BombeckCopy
• “I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.” – Erma BombeckCopy
• “Housework can kill you if done right.” – Erma BombeckCopy
• “Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.” – Erma BombeckCopy
• “Written on her tombstone: ‘I told you I was sick.’” – Erma BombeckCopy
• “Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter-productivity.” – Erma BombeckCopy
• “When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.” – Erma BombeckCopy

Funny George Burns Quotes

• “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George BurnsCopy
• “If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George BurnsCopy
• “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George BurnsCopy
• “I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.” – George BurnsCopy
• “Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.” – George BurnsCopy
• “Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George BurnsCopy
• “By the time you’re eighty years old, you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” – George BurnsCopy

Laughter is the easiest gift to give, and it costs nothing. Pick your favourite funny quote from the list above and share it with a friend, use it as a caption, or save it for a day that needs cheering up. If you want more uplifting words, read our emotional quotes on love or our funny motivational quotes for a laugh that also lifts you up.

Frequently Asked Questions About Funny Quotes

What are the funniest sayings about life?

The funniest sayings about life are short, witty lines that find humour in everyday things — work, marriage, ageing, and money. Classics include Groucho Marx on marriage, Mark Twain on age, and George Carlin on success. The 100 quotes on this page collect the best of them in one place.

Who said the funniest quotes?

Some of the funniest quotes come from comedians and writers like Groucho Marx, Mark Twain, George Carlin, and Emo Philips, while others come from unexpected names like Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, and Benjamin Franklin, who all had a sharp sense of humour.

What is a short funny quote I can share with friends?

Try “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” by George Carlin, “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.” by Groucho Marx, or “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” by Will Rogers. Each one is short enough for a text message or a social media caption.

Can I use these funny quotes on social media?

Yes. These famous funny quotes are widely shared, and you can use them as captions, in cards, or in messages. Adding the author’s name, as shown on this page, is the polite way to share them.

Where can I find more funny quotes?

If you enjoyed this collection, our funny motivational quotes page has more lines that make you laugh and think at the same time, and our emotional quotes on love page has heartfelt quotes for the people closest to you.