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Funny Quotes | Funniest Sayings By Famous Authors
Funny quotes lovers, we categorized other lists of funniest quotes by well-known celebrities that can make your day!
So here you can read hilarious sayings either in random picks or categorized by famous celebrities.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked. ― George Carlin
Funny quotes – Random picks
To start with, we have now quick humorous quotes about life and sayings, as a result of quick humorous quotes about life and hilarious sayings are those that may simply be informed and shared with associates anyplace.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
– John F. Kennedy –
The road to success is always under construction.
– Lily Tomlin –
All men are equal before fish.
– Herbert Hoover –
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
– Groucho Marx –
I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
– George Carlin –
Cool funny quotes by the comedian Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen Lee DeGeneres is a versatile, lady. She is an American comedian, writer, television host, actress, and producer.
- Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. ― Ellen DeGeneres
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.― Ellen DeGeneres
- I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.― Ellen DeGeneres
- You know, it’s hard work to write a book. I can’t tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.― Ellen DeGeneres
- If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn’t done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit’s eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson’s eyes and ask him if it hurts.― Ellen DeGeneres
- Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.― Ellen DeGeneres
- Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you’ve never sung before, and you realize you’ve never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, ‘Life in the Fast Lane?’ That’s what they’re saying right there? You think, ‘why have I been singing ‘wipe in the vaseline?’ how many people have heard me sing ‘wipe in the vaseline?’ I am an idiot.― Ellen DeGeneres
- My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.― Ellen DeGeneres
- I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.― Ellen DeGeneres
- You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.― Ellen DeGeneres
- Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.― Ellen DeGeneres
- Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.― Ellen DeGeneres
- People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.― Ellen DeGeneres
- Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.― Ellen DeGeneres
- I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.― Ellen DeGeneres
- I’m so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James!― Ellen DeGeneres
- I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.―
- I wonder what will happen if I put hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?― Ellen DeGeneres
- Take a nap in a fireplace and you’ll sleep like a log.― Ellen DeGeneres
- Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn’t enough. You also have to move the chair.― Ellen DeGeneres
- One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.― Ellen DeGeneres
- When life gives you lemons….they could really be oranges.― Ellen DeGeneres
- Now,I’m no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They’re tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they’re saying and that boosts your health and happiness. “Knock Knock… Who’s There?.. Little endorphin… Little endorphin who?… Little Endorphin Annie.” And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.― Ellen DeGeneres
- Never. And how dare you! I will take no further questions.― Ellen DeGeneres
- Haiku sounds like I’m Saying hi to someone named Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.― Ellen DeGeneres
- Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.― Golda Meir
- Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil ― Golda Meir
- My dear, old age is like an airplane flying in a storm. Once you’re in it there’s nothing you can do. You can’t stop a plane, you can’t stop a storm, you can’t stop time. So you might as well take it easy, with wisdom.― Golda Meir
- A story once went the rounds of Israel to the effect that Ben-Gurion described me as ‘the only man’ in his cabinet. What amused me about is that he (or whoever invented the story) thought that this was the greatest compliment that could be paid to a woman. I very much doubt that any man would have been flattered if I had said about him that he was the only woman in the government!― Golda Meir
- Fashion is an imposition, a rein on freedom.― Golda Meir
- I don’t know why you use a fancy French word like détente when there’s a good English phrase for it — cold war.― Golda Meir
- You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle! ― Lauren Myracle
- They’re not chicks. They’re ducks.― Lauren Myracle
- I didn’t like being alone. Being alone was slightly better than having to deal with people, that’s all. Or so I’d convinced myself.― Lauren Myracle
- Calvin: Life’s a lot more fun when you aren’t responsible for your actions.― Bill Watterson
- I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.― Bill Watterson
- They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time, but since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place and just hang around.― Bill Waterson
- I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.― Erma Bombeck
- Housework can kill you if done right.― Erma Bombeck
- Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.― Erma Bombeck
- When humor goes, there goes civilization.― Erma Bombeck
Funny motivational quotes by George Bernard Shaw
It’s a fact that funny motivational quotations make us strong to keep us running on the track of life. And sometimes we need some inspiration from the best quotations to change our life totally.
But here in following the short funny phrases and hilarious quotes about life, you will not only be amused but you will also get some inspiration for your journey.
George Bernard Shaw has really some different opinions about patriotism and learning. You can learn and be pleased.
- Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.– George Bernard Shaw
- We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.– George Bernard Shaw
- A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.― George Bernard Shaw
- Animals are my friends…and I don’t eat my friends.― George Bernard Shaw
- If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.― George Bernard Shaw
- My way of joking is, to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.― George Bernard Shaw
- The play was a great success, but the audience was a dismal failure.― George Bernard Shaw
- I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.― George Bernard Shaw
- When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.― George Bernard Shaw
- A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.― George Bernard Shaw
- He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.― George Bernard Shaw
- Short funny quotes about life by George Burns
- If you’re looking for some very interesting short funny quotes on love and relationships. Then the following short funny quotes by George Burns are the most suitable ones.
- Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.– George Burns
- If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.– George Burns
- You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.– George Burns
- I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age, I have to hold on to something.– George Burns
- I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. George Burns
- Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.– George Burns
- Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.– George Burns
- By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.– George Burns
On Life & Human Nature
Mark Twain: “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”
Kurt Vonnegut: “We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”
Terry Pratchett: “Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.”
Zora Neale Hurston: “Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me.”
Oscar Wilde: “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
On Wit, Sarcasm & Cynicism
Dorothy Parker: “The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”
Oscar Wilde: “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”
Winston Churchill: “I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”
Groucho Marx: “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
P.G. Wodehouse: “I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.”
On Work & Ambition
Douglas Adams: “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
Jerome K. Jerome: “I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
Robert Frost: “The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.”
Mark Twain: “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”
On the Absurdity of the Universe
Douglas Adams: “The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.”
Terry Pratchett: “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
Kurt Vonnegut: “Insanity is staring at a rose and being unable to recall how it got there.”
Ambrose Bierce: “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”
Short & Punchy
“I can resist everything except temptation.” — Oscar Wilde
“If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.” — Catherine Aird
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx
Hi, I’m Tammy! Here I share some lovely and self-written Birthday Wishes & Quotes for you. Please do Share this webpage together with your family and friends.
